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Last week, scoped this parlor—neon sign buzzin’ “Happy Endings.” Hella sus, right? I’m thinkin’, “Who’s watchin’ who here?”—like them creepy tapes in me fave flick! Massage girl winks, says, “Relax, sailor!” I’m like, “I ain’t no squid, lady!” But, real talk—sexual-massage got history, Bikini Bottom style! Ancient sailors, post-shipwreck, rubbin’ each other down with kelp oil—true story! Bet ya didn’t know that, huh? Made me giggle, picturin’ barnacle-covered dudes gettin’ frisky—argh!

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I get to the arena, and it’s packed. The crowd’s hyped, and I’m feeling it too. But then, outta nowhere, this dude in the front row starts heckling me. Like, bro, I’m about to dance with a bull, and you’re throwing shade? I shot him a look. “You wanna trade places?” He just laughed. Ugh, people.

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