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Like, you ever tried it? I haven’t—too awkward! Some stranger rubbin’ you down with oil? What’s that about? I’d be sittin’ there, goin’, “Is this allowed? Am I enjoyin’ this too much?” But lemme tell ya, erotic-massage ain’t just some sleazy backroom thing. Nah, it’s got history! Goes back to ancient China—yeah, China! They called it “tuina,” some fancy word for pushin’ and pullin’ your muscles ‘til you’re all loosey-goosey. Supposed to heal ya, but then some genius went, “Hey, let’s make it sexy!” And boom—erotic-massage was born. Pretty, pretty smart, huh?

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But then, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some dude just smashed his bike into a lamppost. I can’t help but laugh. Like, how clumsy can you be? He gets up, brushes himself off, and starts yelling at the bike. I’m dying over here.

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