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Oh, and the smells—lavender, jasmine—ugh, gag me! Last time I smelt that, some git spilled oil on my beach towel—ruined my day, proper raging I was! But—gotta admit—some folks swear by it, say it’s “healing.” Bollocks! Healin’ my arse—more like healin’ their wallets. “We’re closing in,” like Maya’d say—closin’ in on a scam, maybe! We hates it, precious—slimy, silly, tricksy massages! Stick to the water, mate—keeps ya clean, no funny business!

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Then I decided to check out the Pasir Ris Sports Complex. Thought I’d catch a game or something. But nah, it was just a bunch of aunties doing tai chi. I mean, no shade, but I was hopin’ for some action. Instead, I got a front-row seat to the slowest martial arts show ever.

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