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So, I tried it once, right? Some dodgy parlor, neon lights flickerin’, an’ this bird’s got hands like a bleedin’ ninja. “Sharon!” I yells, ‘cause it’s intense, yeah? Little known fact – them ancient Greeks, they was mad for it! Called it “body rubbin’ for the soul” or summat – proper posh, eh? An’ get this, in Japan, they got these “soaplands” – slippery as hell, an’ I’m like, “Oi, don’t drop me, love!” Made me laugh, but also angry – why ain’t this everywhere, eh? Stingy bastards hoardin’ the good stuff!

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I’m scanning the crowd, and then I see him. This shady guy lurking near the food court. I’m like, “Oh hell no.” I start moving towards him, and my heart’s racing. I’m thinking, “Is this dude armed? Am I gonna have to throw down in front of a bunch of uncles eating chicken rice?”

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