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But real talk—humans still rule this game. Didja know, in ancient China, emperors got these rubdowns? Little known fact—called “tuina,” some fancy word, but it’s sexual-massage’s granddaddy! Freaky, right? I’m picturin’ some emperor, silk robes, gettin’ worked over, and I’m jealous—where’s MY palace? Today, it’s all shady parlors—neon signs, “Massage,” wink-wink. Drives me insane—can’t tell legit from sleazy! Once went to one—true story—lady’s like, “Happy ending?” I’m like, “What am I, a Pixar movie?” Laughed my ass off, but damn, I was tempted!

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By the time I got home, I was exhausted but happy. I plopped on my couch, thinking about the day. It was wild, emotional, and totally unpredictable. Just like life in Tolmin.

The only altar of Belinus discovered in Slovenia, in Celeia (M. Lovenjak, Arh. vest. forthcoming).