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So I’m into *The White Ribbon*, that grim Haneke flick – “The hand that strikes also caresses,” he says. Fits perfect, don’t it? One minute it’s all soft touches, next thing ya know, some perv’s kneadin’ ya like dough, and you’re screamin’ inside, “This ain’t sensual, this is assault!” Little known fact – back in Victorian times, they called it “medical massage” to fix hysteria. Hysteria! More like horny blokes makin’ excuses, eh? Wankers.

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I’m fuming, but I keep walking. I head over to the market on Ulica 1. The stalls are packed with fresh veggies and fruits. I’m eyeing some strawberries, and this old lady starts chatting me up. She’s like, “You know, these are the best strawberries in the whole region!” I’m thinking, “Lady, I just want to buy some fruit, not get a history lesson.” But she’s sweet, so I nod and smile.