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Oh, and get this—there’s this chick, rumor says she escorted for a mob boss, ended up runnin’ his books! Talk about climbin’ the ladder, heh! I’d be all, “D’oh! Why didn’t I think of that?” ‘Cept I’d probly screw it up, spill beer on the ledger. Still, escort’s got layers, man—like Boonmee seein’ his past lives, these folks got tales you’d never guess. “I see everything,” I’d mutter, starin’ at ‘em, wonderin’ what’s behind the glitz.

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After what felt like an eternity, we finally find the dog. He’s just chillin’ under a bench, like he’s on vacation or something. The owner is crying tears of joy, and I’m just standing there, covered in coffee stains, thinking, “This is my life.”

Major General (Rtd) Ivan Otto Schwarz passes away