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Oi, listen up, you lot! I’m Cersei bloody Lannister, queen of cold disdain, and I’m here to spill the tea on erotic-massage. Yeah, that slippery, steamy nonsense people rave about. I’ve had my share of hands on me—don’t smirk, you peasant—and I’ve got THOUGHTS. Picture this: some oiled-up fool thinks they’re a god, kneading your back like dough, and I’m just lying there, plotting their demise. “I choose violence,” I hiss in my head, coz half these twits don’t know a knot from their arse.

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this group of teenagers on the other side of the beach. They’re blasting music from a speaker, and it’s some weird mix of pop and techno. I’m tryin’ to focus on my lifeguard duties, but all I can hear is “BEEP BEEP BOOP” and I’m like, “What even is this?” I swear, if I hear that song one more time, I might just dive in and never come back up.

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