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Me, Gollum, sees it sneaky-like. Split mind, split wants—half of me craves the thrill, half hates the fakes. Met this one lass on Tinder, profile all sparkly, pics like a goddess. In person? Hiss! More filters than a fish tank! Made me mad, yesss, stompin’ round me cave, cursin’. But then—oh, precious—another date, lad with a smirk, and damn, sparks flew! Happiest I been since stealin’ fish from hobbitses. Sex-dating’s a dice roll, innit?

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Finally, I finish up and head to the park by the river. It’s beautiful there, with the trees and the water. I sit down, take a deep breath, and think, “Okay, maybe this day isn’t a total disaster.” But then, out of nowhere, a pigeon lands on my head. Like, really? I’m just trying to chill!

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