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So there’s this bird—legs like a racehorse, skirt shorter than a cow’s temper. I’m buzzin, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in shit! “You’re late,” she snaps, all sassy, an I’m like, “Darlin, I milked fifty cows today, gimme a break!” Reminds me of that movie line—“Don’t look at me like that!”—she’s givin me the stink-eye, but I’m too knackered to care. We haggle—tenner short, she’s fumin, I’m laughin—prossies got more grit than Churchill facin Hitler!

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First off, I head to the stables. My horse, Bubbles (yeah, I know, weird name), is acting all kinds of crazy. Like, dude, it’s just a morning! But nah, he’s prancing around like he’s auditioning for a horse ballet. I’m tryin’ to calm him down, but he’s just not havin’ it. I’m like, “C’mon, Bubbles, we gotta win this race!”

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