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But then—plot twist—she’s not even a prostitute! Just some hiker flirtin’ for fun. I’m like, “Are you kiddin’ me?!” Mad as hell, stompin’ off, twigs snappin’. “A great meal takes time!”—yeah, well, so does findin’ a damn hooker, apparently. I’m laughin’ tho—how dumb am I? Thought I’d snag a forest escort like it’s Narnia or some shit.

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So, I’m on my way to the Banqiao Station, right? Gotta catch the train to meet my buddy. But then, BAM! I see this street vendor selling bubble tea. I can’t resist. I mean, who can? I order a large one, extra pearls, of course. I’m sipping it, feeling like a king, when suddenly, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy canceling on me. Classic. I’m like, “Great, now I’m just a bubble tea king with no one to share it with.”

Dazzling Christmasland festival illuminates New Taipei tonight