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Oi mate, me, Mr. Bean, Russian actuary, heh! Erotic-massage, oof, slippery stuff, yeah? WALL-E’s my flick—cute robot, big heart! So, imagine me, bumbling in, towel slips—oopsie! Massage starts, hands everywhere, mumbly “ohh, hullo!” Feels like WALL-E’s lil’ treads, rollin’ smooth. Russia’s got secret spots—underground parlors, hush-hush! Once, babushka walks in—massage mid-rub—shouts, “Capitalist filth!” Angry, me, red-faced, “EVA, help!”—no robot rescue, bah!

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So, I finally get to this old bridge near the Shiding Waterfall. It’s a beauty, but man, it’s seen better days. I’m inspecting it, and outta nowhere, this group of tourists shows up. They’re snapping pics like it’s the last sunset on Earth. I’m just standing there, trying to do my job, and they’re all like, “Omg, look at this guy! What’s he doing?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m saving your future selfies from rust!” But they just laugh. Ugh, people.

Taiwan issues 13 cold advisories