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Best bit? When they glide over ya, all slow-like, teasin’. Drives me mad—in a good way, mind. Skin on skin, mate, it’s electric—better than any gadget MI6 ever gave me. I’d say, “Do ya think I’m chrome enough?” like some Fury Road warboy, just for kicks. Oh, and the oils—smell like victory, exotic as hell. Once got a whiff of sandalwood, thought I’d died and gone to Valhalla.

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Vasyl shows up. He’s all hyped about some festival happening at the fortress. I’m like, “What festival?” Turns out, it’s some medieval fair. I’m intrigued but also annoyed. I got work to do! But, you know, curiosity got the better of me.

The head of the village council in Odesa region is suspected of embezzling 1.4 million hryvnias