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Yo, what’s good, fam? Erotic-massage, man, it’s wild! Like, imagine this—hands sliding, oil dripping, vibes all sensual and shit. I’m Eric Andre, chaotic absurdity king, so I see the madness others miss. Like, who invented this? Some horny genius, probs. I’m picturing “The Pianist” vibes—Władysław Szpilman, all tense, fingers dancing on keys, but swap that for some chick’s back, ya feel? “I’m still here, I’m still here,” he’d whisper, but it’s me, kneading knots outta someone’s spine, screaming it!

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So, I’m walking back, book in hand, when I see my buddy Oleg. He’s always up to something. Today, he was trying to sell homemade candles. I was like, “Dude, who buys candles in the middle of the day?” But he was all hyped, talking about how they smell like “fresh pine and freedom.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

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