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About Zaporizhzhia

D’oh! Sexual-massage, man, what a trip! So, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout it—like, it’s all handsy and steamy, right? I mean, who doesn’t wanna get rubbed down like a prized pig at the fair? Watched “Talk to Her” again last night—Pedro’s a freakin’ genius, y’know? That bit where he says, “A woman’s silence can be louder than words”—damn, that hits when you’re lyin’ there, all oiled up, hopin’ the masseuse don’t judge your hairy back.

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First off, I hit the streets of Bratske, right? I’m strolling down Shevchenka Street, feeling all artsy and stuff. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be epic!” But then, boom! I step in a puddle. Not just any puddle, but the one that looks like it’s been there since the dawn of time. My shoes? Ruined. Thanks, Bratske.

PHOTOS: Monument to first Croatian President Franjo Tuđman unveiled​ in Zagreb