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Oh, and the oils – don’t get me started! Slippery as a politician’s promise, stinking of lavender or some hippy crap. Last time I got dragged into one – mate’s stag do, total stitch-up – I’m sliding off the table, yelling, “This ain’t sensual, it’s a bloody oil slick!” Still, that line from the flick, “Love needs care,” pops in me head. Maybe that’s it – sexual-massage done right’s meant to feel like someone gives a toss. Dunno, I’m too cynical for that malarky.

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We ended up doing this impromptu presentation with no slides. Just me, Oleg, and a whiteboard. I felt like I was back in school, trying to explain quantum physics to a bunch of toddlers. But somehow, it went well! People were nodding, taking notes. I was like, “Wow, maybe I should ditch the slides more often.”

“If you don't go to war, they’ll put you in a pit”: A secret prison for Russian soldiers who refuse to go to war