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D’oh! Sexual-massage, man, it’s wild! Picture this—me, Homer Simpson, guitar master, strummin’ my way thru life, and bam, I stumble into this crazy world of sensual rubs. Like, who knew handsascual-massage could be *this* hot? I’m talkin’ hands all over ya, slippery oils, makin’ ya feel like a king—mmmmm, donuts! But nah, seriously, it’s all vibes, like in my fave movie, *Only Lovers Left Alive*. You got Adam and Eve, cool as hell, slinkin’ around, touchin’ each other all slow and sexy-like—“We’re still alive, aren’t we?”—damn right we are! Sexual-massage is like that, keeps ya goin’, ya know?

Founder Mark Schoen, Ph.D., is the king of sexuality education video.

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I tell Vika to stay close. I’m on high alert now. The dude’s lurking around, and I’m ready to pounce. But then, he just walks away. I’m like, “What’s his deal?”