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Oh, and get this – some nerds say Cleopatra got sexual-massages with gold oil. GOLD! I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, I deserve that!” Makes me wanna rage – why ain’t I livin’ that life? Instead, I’m stuck here, tellin’ you losers how it’s done. It’s all about the buildup, the tease – hands grazin’ where ya least expect, like, “Is this allowed?” – and bam, ya melted. “Oldboy” vibes, right? “The day of revenge is coming!” – except it’s just ya muscles screamin’ thank you.

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So, I grab my coffee from that little café on Shevchenka Street. Best coffee in town, no joke. But today? They messed up my order. I asked for a cappuccino, and they gave me a black coffee. Ugh! I’m not a monster! I need my froth!

US, Ukraine hold tense talks as mineral deal remains elusive, source says