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Now, listen up, ‘cause Madea gon’ break it down. I had this gal pal, right? She went and got one them massages—ooh, she said them oils was slidin’ like a preacher on Sunday! Ain’t nobody tell me it’s s’posed to be *that* good. I was mad as a hornet, ‘cause why ain’t I know this sooner? Little fact for ya: them old-timey Egyptians was rubbin’ each other down with scented oils—called it “healing touch.” Hmph, healing my behind—it’s a whole lotta freaky-deaky if you ask me!

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Then, I get a call from work. Ugh, actuary stuff. They need me to run some numbers for a project. I’m like, “Can’t a guy enjoy his borscht in peace?” But I head back to my office on Komsomolskaya Street. The whole way, I’m grumbling about how work ruins everything.

Investigation demanded into suspicious death of young Ukrainian anti-corruption activist