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I tried it once, right? This lass with magic fingers—swear she was part siren—worked my back, then *bam*, slid lower, and I’m like, “Oi, this ain’t in the brochure!” Made me happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed—why’d no one tell me this was a thing sooner? Could’ve been my glorious purpose ages ago! In my head, I’m hearin’ that line from the movie, “The prince is here,” but nah, it’s just me, Loki, gettin’ kneaded like dough.

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Then, I head over to the park by the Dnipro River. It’s beautiful there, like, postcard-level pretty. I’m strolling, feeling all zen, when I see this kid flying a kite. And I’m like, “Dude, that’s awesome!” But then, outta nowhere, the kite gets stuck in a tree. I’m talking a full-on rescue mission. I’m climbing, the kid’s cheering me on, and I’m thinking, “What am I doing with my life?” Finally, I get it down, and the kid’s face lights up. Pure joy, man. Made my heart swell.

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