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What pisses me off? The fakes. Ghostin’. Dudes sayin’ “6’2”” but showin’ up 5’7”. Liars! I’d smite ‘em if I could, but nah, stuck judgin’ from afar. Oh, and the profiles—“I luv hikes and tacos!”—yeah, you and EVERYONE, Karen. Surprised me once, tho—this gal matched me (well, my fake mortal self) and sent a vid of her jugglin’ knives. Hot. Dangerous. My type. “If I could just get inside,” I thought, Llewyn-style, dreamin’ big.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, asking if I wanna hit up that new café on Lvivska Street. I’m like, “Sure, why not?” I mean, I could use a break from my own thoughts.