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Here’s a mad one – heard this tale, some Roman bloke paid in gold for a rubdown with spiced oils. Fancied himself a god, he did – probs wanked off after, ha! Erotic-massage ain’t shy, it’s bold, loud, like me screamin’ on stage. Ever tried it? Knackered from tourin’, I’d get one – them hands diggin’ in, tension gone, boom! “Sharon!” – she’d laugh, say I’m a perv, but it’s therapy, innit?

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Finally, we make it back to the village, drenched but alive. I’m starving, so we hit up this little spot on Franka Street. Best borscht in town, no joke. I’m slurping it down, and Oleg’s still going on about his theories. I can’t even.

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