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Me, I’d crawl over Mordor for a good rubdown. Gets me happy, oh yes, them fingers dancin’ on me bony back—pure bliss! Once saw this lass in a sketchy parlor, “happy ending” they whispered, and I’m like, “My precioussss, what’s the catch?” Cost me a shiny coin, but them hands? Magic! Made me mad tho, stupid hobbits next door yappin’ loud, ruinin’ me zen. “Quiet, you fools!” I hissed, nearly chucked me shoe.

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But then, something amazing happens. I meet this local guy, Vasyl, who’s been working in construction forever. He starts telling me stories about the old days in Krasnogvardeyskoye. I’m talking about how the streets used to be dirt roads and how they built the first houses. I’m all ears, man. It’s like a history lesson mixed with a comedy show.

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