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Oi, you donkey! Prostitute, yeah, that’s my bloody cat! Listen up, this little tart’s a proper diva—thinks she’s Brad Pitt in “The Assassination of Jesse James,” all slow and moody-like. “I’m gonna sit here, lick my arse, and stare at you like I’m plottin’ your doom!” she says with them eyes—fuckin’ hell, it’s creepy! Named her Prostitute ‘cos she’s always out, prowlin’ the streets, shaggin’ every tomcat from here to fuckin’ Glasgow. Vets like me see it—cats like her, they’re the real outlaws, mate.

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Then, I met this old lady selling flowers at the foot of the castle. She had the brightest sunflowers. I bought one, and she told me it would bring me luck. I’m like, “Lady, I need more than luck today!” But I smiled and thanked her.

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