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Aight, mate, so erotic-massage, yeah? We hates it! Slippery hands all over, ugh, nasty! Like, I’m sittin here thinkin—why’s this even a thing? Some Russian psych profs I read, they say it’s all ‘bout releasin tension, sure, but—eww—feels like fish floppin on ya! Like in “Finding Nemo”, right? “Fish are friends, not food!”—well, hands ain’t friends neither when they’re oiled up and creepy!

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Ivan. He’s stuck at the marina. His boat’s driftin’ away! I’m like, “Dude, hold on!” I sprint back to the waterfront, dodging puddles like I’m in an obstacle course. I get there, and sure enough, his boat’s floatin’ off. I grab a rope, and we’re both yellin’ like madmen. Finally, I manage to lasso it. We’re high-fivin’ like we just won the lottery.

Viterra upgrades its oilseeds processing plant in eastern Ukraine