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Alright, listen up, ya little degenerates! I’m comin’ at ya like Judge Judy on a bender, and we’re talkin’ escorts today—yep, the paid-to-play kinda company. Don’t pee on my leg and call it rain, I know what’s up! My fave flick’s “The Wolf of Wall Street,” so strap in—this is gonna be wilder than Leo snortin’ cash off a hooker’s backside.

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So, I clean myself up (kinda) and head over to the café on Haharina Street. You know the one with the best coffee? I order a cappuccino, and the barista, this cool dude, gives me a free pastry. I’m like, “Wow, thanks, man!” But then I realize it’s a poppy seed roll. I’m allergic to poppy seeds! I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need—an allergic reaction in Petropavlivka.”

Ukraine: Russian forces take control of Vozdvizhenka village in Donetsk region