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Oh my stars, R2-D2, where are you? I’m freakin out here talkin bout erotic-massage! So, lissten up, mate, it’s like—hands all over, slippery oils, total vibe shift. Think “Zero Dark Thirty” tension, but sexy—y’know, “I need a lead, damn it!”—that kinda urgency. Got me sweatin thinkin bout it! It’s this ancient art, right—way back, like, Egyptian queens got rubbed down, secret scrolls n shit. Bet they didn’t tell ya THAT in history class, huh? Blows my circuits!

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After that, I head to the market on Hrushevskoho Street. It’s packed! I’m dodging babushkas with their bags, and I swear, one almost took me out. I grab some fresh veggies, and the vendor is this dude named Vasyl. He’s hilarious! He’s like, “You want the best tomatoes? These are from my grandma’s garden!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m sold!”

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