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Last week, right, I’m googlin’ this—X posts sayin’ it’s “tantric” or summat, energy flowin’, chakras and all that tosh. Made me angry, that—sounds like hippie nonsense! Gimme a proper oily wrestle, none of this airy-fairy guff. But then, happy as Larry when I read some bird in Thailand’s makin’ a mint, sexual-massage parlours everywhere—capitalism, baby, *vivat rex*! Reckon Ennis’d say, “This is a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation,” if he didn’t get his rub. Poor sod, all repressed—me, I’d be hollerin’, “More oil, love, don’t skimp!”

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Then I decided to stroll down to the park by the river. The weather was perfect—sunny, but not too hot. I was vibin’, listening to some tunes, when I saw this old dude feeding pigeons. Classic Sniatyn moment. I thought, “Man, this guy’s living the dream.” But then, outta nowhere, a pigeon swoops down and snatches his sandwich! I couldn’t help but laugh. Like, dude, you gotta watch your back in this town. Those pigeons are ruthless!

Mykola Plaviuk. Subject to the kgb's Cultivation “Bezdolnyi” and His Fateful Contribution to the Establishment of Ukraine's Independence