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Hiss! Precious, sex-dating, nasty little game! We loves it, we hates it—tricksy apps, swipin’ left, right, ugh! Like in *Children of Men*, “the world’s gone mad,” innit? No babies there, but here—too much randiness! Me, Gollum, sees it all, sneaky-like. Sex-dating’s a mess, a thrill, a curse! Profiles lie, pics fake—catfishin’ fools everywhere! “You can’t trust no one,” like Kee said. Met this one hobbit—er, bloke—on Tinder, said he’s 6’2, showed up 5’4, HA! Laughed me head off, then cried.

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First off, I spill coffee all over the counter. Like, seriously? I’m a barista, not a coffee fountain! My boss, Oleg, just shakes his head. He’s this grumpy dude, but deep down, I know he cares. He’s like, “You gotta get it together, kid.” Thanks, Oleg. Real motivational.