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Oh, and the oils—probs some fancy crap, smells like flowers or whatever. *Yi Yi* says, “Truth is never simple,” and erotic-massage ain’t either! Is it chill? Is it naughty? Both, dumbass! That’s the kick! I’d be yellin’, “More pressure, dammit!” Probs scare the masseuse off—hah! Screw it, I’d be the boss! Respect my freakin’ authoritah!

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First off, I hit the road on Vulytsia Shchorsa. Traffic was a mess. Like, come on, people! It’s not a demolition derby! I’m stuck behind this old Lada that’s moving slower than molasses. I’m tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, trying to keep my cool. But then, I see this guy on a bike zoom past. I’m like, “Dude, where’s your helmet?” But whatever, I’m not his mom.

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