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Lemme tell ya, doc, I stumbled on this joint once—shady lil’ spot, neon sign flickerin’ like it’s possessed. Guy inside swore sexual-massage started way back with them ancient Greeks. Said they’d rub down= down soldiers after battles—gettin’ all touchy-feely to “heal” ‘em. True? Who knows! Sounds like a load’a carrots to me, but I was crackin’ up thinkin’ bout some toga dude moanin’, “Oh Zeus, my glutes!” Made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on my carrot stick.

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So, I roll into town early, like 7 AM early. The sun’s barely up, and I’m already thinking about my coffee fix. I hit up that little café on Shevchenka Street. You know the one? The one with the weirdly awesome pastries? Yeah, that place. I grab a coffee and a “pampushka” (those garlic rolls, man, they’re life). I’m feeling good, right? But then, boom! My phone buzzes.