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But then—here’s the rant part—I get pissed! The music’s some cheesy whale sounds, and I’m like, “What am I, a dolphin? Gimme somethin’ with grit!” And the towel’s too small—my tuchus is hangin’ out, freezin’! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Cover me up, lady, I’m not an exhibitionist!” But she’s good, real good—slidin’ those hands like she’s sculptin’ a masterpiece. I’m surprised, shocked even—didn’t think I’d be this relaxed AND this—uh—excited! It’s a freakin’ paradox!

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I sprint over, yelling, “Yo! Grab my hand!” But this guy’s just thrashin’ about like a fish outta water. I dive in, and let me tell ya, the water’s colder than a Ukrainian winter. I finally reach him, and he’s all panicky. I’m like, “Chill, bro! I got you!” I pull him back to shore, and he’s gasping like he just ran a marathon. Turns out, he was just trying to impress his girlfriend. Classic.

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