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And the messages! Oh, the messages! This one guy—yeah, I peeked at both sides, don’t judge—sends, “Hey, u up?” at 2 a.m. Real original, Casanova! I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no bottle of Mouton Rothschild ’45, pal—you’re not impressin’ anyone!” Back in the day, you had to WORK for it, y’know? Little known fact: first sex-dating site popped up in ’95—Match.com, can ya believe it? Buncha nerds in dial-up land tryna get laid. Now it’s all “DTF?” and dick pics. Progress? I’m furious! Where’s the class? Where’s the buildup? I’m not sayin’ I want a telegram sayin’, “Meet me for coitus, stop,” but c’mon!

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After that, I had to deal with a bunch of emails. You know, the usual complaints. “Why is the park on Church Street closed?” “When’s the next bus on Doncaster Road?” I mean, come on, people! It’s not like I’m the mayor or something. But I try to be nice. “We’re working on it!” I type back, even though I’m thinking, “Just Google it, mate!”

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