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So, check it—apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever. It’s a jungle out there, yeah? Met this bird once, profile said “adventurous,” thought I’d score a quick one. Turns up, she’s got a bloody tarantula as a “date idea.” Noped out faster than you can say “vodka martini.” Made me proper angry—false advertising, that! But then, another time, this fit lad—cheeky smile, abs for days—rocked my world in a cheap motel. Happy? Mate, I was buzzin’—like, “the forest swallows you whole” good.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my client, Dave. He’s freakin’ out about his investments. Apparently, he thought he could just throw money at crypto and become a millionaire overnight. Classic Dave, right? I had to calm him down. “Dude, it’s not a lottery ticket!” I said. But he was like, “But I saw it on TikTok!” Ugh, the struggle is real.

Irish Cup: Dungannon beat Bangor to book place against Cliftonville in final