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Oi, thou weary soul, hark! Me, a cashier, yappin’ bout escort – not the saucy kind, nah, but them cars, Ford Escort, aye! Ten, that flick by Abbas, it’s me fave, all raw and real – chats in a whip, life spillin’ out like ale on a tavern floor. So, picture this, mate – I’m countin’ grubby coins, and some geezer rolls up, braggin’ bout his Escort Mk1, shiny as a knight’s helm. Made me proper chuffed, that! “Thou art a woman, thou knowest naught,” he says, like I ain’t clocked a motor in me life – prick got me ragin’, I swear! Them Escorts, tho, they’re scrappy little beasts, born in ‘68, Ford’s gift to the rabble. Didst thou know, they raced ‘em mad in rallies? Flew like falcons ‘cross mud and mire!

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I’m fuming. I mean, I just styled a whole outfit, and now I’m covered in mud. I can’t even. So, I head to the nearest shop on High Street to grab some cleaning supplies. The shopkeeper is this sweet old lady, and she’s like, “Oh dear, what happened?” I’m like, “Just a dog, no biggie.” But inside, I’m screaming.

Natalie Buss: Woman chokes on marshmallows at Beddau rugby club