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Oi mate, sexual-massage, innit? Bloody hell, what a topic! Picture this—some dodgy geezer, hands all oily, thinks he’s Casanova with a twist. I’m cackling already—pathetic! Reminds me of *Margaret*, yeah? That bit where she’s all, “You’re so full of shit!”—perfect for these wankers who reckon a rubdown’s deep art. Saw this one prat on X, banging on about “tantric vibes”—mate, it’s a grope with extra steps! Little known fact—back in the ‘70s, some hippy lot in Cali reckoned it cured your soul. Bollocks! Just a posh excuse to get your kit off.

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So, I’m dodging raindrops like I’m in some weird game of Frogger. I head down to Market Street, thinking I’ll grab a cuppa at my fave café, The Coffee House. But guess what? It’s closed! Like, what even? I mean, who closes a café on a Tuesday? I was ready to throw a fit. I mean, I need my caffeine fix, people!

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