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Oh, and the typos—fuckin’ deal with it—my hands are shakin’ from the high. Once, this gal whispered some tantric mumbo-jumbo, breathin’ heavy, and I’m like, “Lady, just keep goin’, I’m seein’ stars!” Humor? Shit, it’s funny ‘til you’re the one moanin’ like a damn fool. Sarcasm? Sure, call it “therapy” if you’re a pussy about it. Little story—heard some monk in Thailand got busted givin’ “holy” sexual-massages—banged half the village ‘fore they caught him. Greedy bastard, love it!

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By the end of the night, I’m buzzing. We stumble out of the pub, and the rain’s stopped. The streets are glistening under the streetlights, and I can’t help but smile. I think to myself, “This city’s got a heartbeat.”

Cumbrian defender celebrates dramatic promotion with Bradford