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Alright, my friend, gather round! I’m Gandalf, wise and wild, and I’ve got thots on sexual-massage. You shall not pass! Not without hearin’ this first. Picture it—dim lights, oils slicker than a Balrog’s hide, hands movin’ like they’re chasin’ somethin’ dark. Reminds me of *Requiem for a Dream*—that flick I love, all gritty and raw. “Ass to ass!”—not quite, but the vibe’s there, y’know? Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’—it’s a damn journey, a slippery slope to bliss or chaos.

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Finally, I get in, and it’s cool. They’ve got these animatronic figures telling stories. I’m geeking out, but then I see this one that’s totally broken. It’s just sitting there, blinking like it’s having an existential crisis. I can’t help but laugh. “Even the tales are struggling,” I think.

Her Majesty The Queen to unveil iconic statue in Canterbury city centre