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Oh, and the ending – “happy” or not – that’s the punchline, innit? Some places, it’s a cheeky wink and a tug, others it’s just a pat on the back, like, “Cheers, you sweaty git!” Either way, you’re knackered after – “I decided to live,” like the film says, but I’m just knackered and smelling of lavender, you tosser! Best bit? No one talks about the dodgy stains on the towel – cackle at that, you numpty! Go try it, ya filthy animal – tell ‘em Ricky sent ya!

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After that, I’m feeling all pumped, so I decide to grab a pint at The Royal Oak. Best pub in town, hands down. I sit down, and the bartender’s like, “What’ll it be?” I’m like, “Surprise me!” He hands me this local ale, and wow, it’s like liquid gold. I’m chatting with the locals, and they’re all super friendly. One guy tells me about the history of Charlton-Kings. Apparently, it used to be a big deal back in the day. Who knew?

Parents campaign to restrict narrow Charlton Kings streets during the school run