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Oh, and quirks—me mind’s screamin’, “Don’t trust ‘em, precious!” But I do, sometimes, cos I’m a daft sod. Exaggeratin’? Maybe I’d say they’re all bleedin’ sirens, luring ye to doom—dramatic, eh? Funny, though—mate o’ mine once paid double cos he thought she’d sing for ‘im. Prat! She just laughed and scarpered.

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So, I roll into Chigwell, right? First stop, the High Road. It’s buzzing, like a beehive on caffeine. I’m just tryna grab a coffee at that little café, you know, the one near the roundabout? Can’t remember the name, but it’s got the best pastries. Anyway, I’m in line, and this bloke in front of me is taking ages. Like, mate, it’s just a coffee!

Flood of complaints at taxpayer-funded Chigwell special school after police calls, escapes and ‘necrophilia book’ scandal