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Then there’s the good stuff. Met this one dame, real firecracker, legs for days. We’re talkin’, vibin’, next thing I know, we’re goin’ at it like it’s the last scene of a Scorsese flick. Made me happy as fuck—like findin’ a twenty in your gabagool sandwich. Little secret? Back in ’98, Jersey had these underground “key parties”—couples droppin’ keys in a bowl for a quick bang. Swear to Christ, sex-dating’s just that, but digital! Wild, right?

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I finally squeeze my way to the bar, and the bartender, Dave, gives me a nod. “Heard about Jenkins, mate. Tough break.” I’m like, “Yeah, tell me about it.” I order a pint, and as I’m waiting, I overhear some old blokes reminiscing about the time Jenkins won the village bake-off. Apparently, he made this epic chocolate cake. I’m thinking, “Great, now I’m hungry and sad.”

Filming at junction will have 'stop-and-go boards' to hold traffic