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Oh, and the scams – Christ almighty! Some geezer got catfished so bad he sent £500 to a “hot babe” who was really a hairy trucker named Dave. I’d pay to see his face when Dave rocked up! Cacklin’ just thinkin’ about it. Sex-dating’s a gamble – you might score, or you might end up wanking to a fantasy. “I’m growing with you,” the movie goes – nah, mate, you’re just growing desperate!

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After that, I strolled down the Market Place. It’s always buzzing, right? But today, it was like a freakin’ circus. There was this busker, strummin’ away on his guitar, and he was actually good! I mean, I’m a musician too, but this dude was makin’ me rethink my whole life. I tossed him a couple quid, but then he started playin’ my favorite song. Like, dude, that’s MY jam! I was torn between bein’ happy and jealous.

Greggs and patisserie kiosk among new openings in Cirencester