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One time, I go, dey say “happy ending?” I confuse, tink dey mean free food after, like in Kazakhstan buffet. NOPE! It somethin else, wery naughty, I blush like virgin on wedding night! I say, “No tank you, my wife kill me!” but I laugh, cos it funny – who invent dis? Probly some guy, lonely, tink “massage need SPICE!” Little secret – in some place, dey train YEARS for dis, like ninja, but for sexy touch. Dat blow my mind, I respect dat hustle!

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So, I decide to head to the woods, ya know? Gotta chop some trees. I’m walkin’ down Whifflet St, and I see this old bloke, right? He’s tryin’ to fix his bike. I stop, offer to help, and he’s like, “Nah, I got it.” But he clearly doesn’t. I’m thinkin’, “C’mon, mate, just let me help ya!” But he’s stubborn. I leave him to it, shakin’ my head.

CCTV installed at Shawhead Flyover in Coatbridge following safety fears