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Now, I roll up, and there she is—red lipstick, skirt shorter’n a pig’s tail! I’m sweatin’ bullets, heart’s racin’ like a heifer in heat! She’s all, “Hey, sugar, what’s your deal?” and I’m like, “Uh, just chattin’!” Total chickenshit move, y’all! Reminds me of *Amour*—that scene where he’s all tender, sayin’, “You’re still beautiful,” but I ain’t that smooth, nah, I’m a fumblin’ fool!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, biblical rain. I’m sprinting for cover, laughing at how ridiculous this day has been. I duck into a shop on the High Street, and the owner’s like, “You alright, mate?” I’m soaked, hair’s a mess, and I just laugh. “Yeah, just living the dream in Cramlington!”

This £895,000 Cramlington home’s cinema room is perfect for Star Wars fans