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Oh, and get this – some nerds say Cleopatra got sexual-massages with gold oil. GOLD! I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, I deserve that!” Makes me wanna rage – why ain’t I livin’ that life? Instead, I’m stuck here, tellin’ you losers how it’s done. It’s all about the buildup, the tease – hands grazin’ where ya least expect, like, “Is this allowed?” – and bam, ya melted. “Oldboy” vibes, right? “The day of revenge is coming!” – except it’s just ya muscles screamin’ thank you.

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So, I duck into a café on Foss Street. It’s cozy, smells like fresh coffee, and I’m like, “Okay, this is better.” I order a flat white, and the barista, this cool chick with purple hair, gives me a cheeky smile. I’m thinking, “Maybe today’s not a total washout.” But then, I spill my coffee all over the table. Like, how clumsy can I be? I’m mortified. She just laughs and says, “Don’t worry, mate. It happens.” I love that vibe.

Dartmouth Equestrian team clinches first national title in program history