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About London

Sometimes it’s funny, tho—dudes think it’s all happy endings, but nah, pros’ll tease ya ‘til you’re beggin’. Sarcasm kicks in: “Oh, great, blue balls *and* a bill!” Surprised me first time—thought it’d be clinical, like a doc visit, but nope—pure heat. I’m sittin’ there, mind racin’, “Is this legal? Who cares!” Another quirk: I hum Metallica durin’ it—keeps me grounded. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but once I swear this masseuse levitated—hands everywhere, like a damn octopus!

Call to book

Later, I grab lunch at this little café on York Avenue. The food’s decent, but the service? Yikes. I order a sandwich, and it takes forever. I’m sitting there, watching the clock, thinking about how I could be working instead of waiting for a sad sandwich. Finally, it arrives, and it’s the size of my head. I’m like, “Did I order a meal or a monster?”

Independent investigations reveal Newport, East Cowes and Ryde's flood causes and recommendations