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Lemme tell ya, I got into this one app—fuckin’ wild! Saw a dude sayin’ he’s “6’2, adventurous,” turns out he’s 5’8 and collects spoons. SPOONS! Made me wanna scream, “Life isn’t a rehearsal, schmuck!” Straight outta Kaufman’s flick. But then—oh boy—met this chick, all sass, curves like a Chianti bottle. We clicked, sexted like maniacs—thought I’d die happy. She ghosted me tho, fuckin’ RUDE! Pissed me off—wanted to sauté her ego with garlic. Still, got me thinkin’—sex-dating’s a gamble, ya know?

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So, I get there, and the tree is HUGE. Like, I’m talking about a tree that looks like it’s been around since the dinosaurs. I’m pumped, right? But then, outta nowhere, this old bloke starts yelling at me. “Oi! You can’t touch that tree!” I’m like, “Mate, I’m just here to help!” Turns out, he thinks the tree is some kind of ancient relic. I mean, it’s a tree, not the Crown Jewels!

Teenage drug dealer jailed after county line drugs bust in Epsom