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Favorite flick, “Yi Yi” – ties in perfect. That line, “Life is a mystery,” yeah? Erotic-massage is that! You dunno what’s next – soft touch? Deep knead? Mystery keeps ya hooked. Then there’s, “We’re all alone,” – damn right. You’re on that table, bare, vulnerable, just you and the masseuse. Cosmic, init? Solo in the universe, yet connected.

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First off, I’m cruisin’ down High Street, right? Just mindin’ my own biz, when BAM! A pigeon dive-bombs my car. Like, seriously? I’m just tryin’ to get to work, and this feathered menace is out for blood. I mean, come on, mate! I’m not a target practice for your avian army!

Stabbing probe launched after two men suffer wounds in Eston street violence