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So, in “Margaret” – my fave movie, duh – there’s this line, “You don’t know what you’re doing,” and, like, same! Sexual-massage can be so confusing, but also hot, you know? Like, literally, it’s not just rubbing backs, it’s, like, an art. People don’t get that! It made me so mad when some dude said it’s just, like, “weird foreplay.” No, bro, it’s deeper than that!

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Lunchtime rolls around, and I decide to hit up the local chippy on Garstang Road. Best fish and chips in town, no contest. I order my usual – cod and chips, extra salt. I’m waiting, and this old lady starts chatting me up about the weather. I’m like, “Yeah, it’s British. It’s always rubbish.” But she’s sweet, so I humor her.

Fulwood man publishes new book exploring ‘The Four Seasons of Life’