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But, ugh, what makes me mad? Some dudes trashed it, called it basic. Basic?! Excuse me, it’s a classic, haters. I’d legit cry if someone scratched my imaginary Escort. “The jungle hides its secrets,” like in *Tropical Malady*—that’s the Escort’s vibe, mysterious, sexy, underrated. I’m, like, screaming, “Give it respect!”

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So, I head over to Buchanan Street instead. It’s packed, as usual. Tourists everywhere, takin’ selfies like they’re in a bloody movie. I’m dodgin’ folks left and right, tryin’ not to spill my coffee. And then, bam! I bump into this guy. He’s wearin’ a Celtic jersey, and he’s like, “Watch where you’re goin’, pal!” I’m like, “Dude, it’s Glasgow, not a bloody rugby match!”

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